Dec 16th, 2020

With the number of COVID-19 cases still growing, the “new normal” lifestyle has restricted our research activities. Most of the research labs in our university are still functioning at a reduced capacity to maintain social distancing regulations. The COVID-19 pandemic has made it nearly impossible for us to do what we are best at: plan and conduct bench side experiments at an aggressive pace. During the lockdown mandate earlier this year, we accepted the grim reality of stalled science. Most researchers initially turned to reading and improve their prior knowledge. As we entered the third or fourth week of lockdown and working from home, we scrambled for a plan B: how best to remotely work with existing data, or write manuscripts or grant proposals, to name a few.

During the initial phase of the “stay at home” mandate, I designed elaborate plans on how to best utilize my time and fantasized about the projects I would now be able to undertake and accomplish. I decided I would not spend the entire day reading about COVID news and panic. My husband and I also made a pact not to binge watch shows on Netflix or scroll down social networking platforms. We even deleted facebook app from our phones. News channels were broadcasting news related to COVID every hour. This also added to our anxiety. There was so much loss, pain and grief all around the world! All this had a negative impact on us, especially on my husband’s mental health. I therefore decided to update myself on COVID related statistics only once daily. Instead, I wanted to go back to the full texts that I had bookmarked or noted down in my notebook but could never find enough time to read in my everyday busy schedule. I had also signed up for several webinars and online classes to learn how to code and new bioinformatics skills which would significantly help my research project in the future. To add to this, we had weekly virtual lab meetings and coffee hours added to our calendar, to brainstorm new or existing project ideas and discuss most recent publications. In summary, I had schemed achievable targets in the three-four weeks of lockdown time.

It started off well! I would wake up at 7am and walk our dog. Then, I would make myself a cup of tea and sit down in front of my computer. I successfully met the deadline for a project I had started to work on earlier. I was reading one new research paper every day. I learnt one new software to analyze our research data. I wrote two new science communications articles for our university website. I was regularly working out, with our dog going nuts at the sight of resistance bands and kettlebells! Since we were confined to our home, instead of opting for take outs or frozen food, my husband and I were taking turns to cook fresh meals every day. Despite a few distractions like, a brief one-hour afternoon nap, I still had enough time on my daily calendar to check all that I had planned for.

However, things started going downhill fast. Soon, none of my plans stuck. My typical workday was starting to look bleak. We quickly realized that the lockdown was not going to end anytime soon. And, very soon, my productivity hit an all time low. All the elaborate plans, possibilities and expectations turned into pressure. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. This futile urge to overachieve, especially during the present global crisis started taking its toll on me. I felt like a failure not being able to do enough with all the extra time I had now. To add to this, it was difficult to ignore peer pressure- colleagues who were making the most of this lockdown time. And all this happened without us falling into a more lethargic lifestyle. Some days were manageable, with zoom meetings and discussions about work, when the lockdown would be relaxed, and we would go back to work. Felt reassuring when a colleague shares pictures about a cake he baked with his son or a fish tank he cleaned, may be instead of learning to code or reading a newly published article. Once a week, I would go to my lab for a few hours to take care some essential business. But, on other days, the anxiety was heavy on my chest. Every night, I told myself that I would start working out the next day and also get back to serious reading. I waited for the “perfect day” to start that first tutorial on coding. But then, I would be consumed by all these emotions. Was I trying hard enough? Would my job survive the pandemic? When would I publish?

Around middle of the year, the lockdown was lifted in phases and we slowly started going back to our labs. Even then, we were allowed to work in shifts which meant we got half of the actual time we normally would. My friends in a similar and comparable field of research would agree that most of the biology related experiments need more than half day to get done. So, even though we were back at work, the progress was severely compromised. We achieved in a couple of months what we would otherwise accomplish in two weeks. I would be extremely disheartened by all this. To add to this, I could not go home and visit my parents and extended family. I would constantly worry about them, sitting here, hundreds of miles away from home.

I had thought of writing science communication articles only on this blog, which I will, in future. Today, I am voicing out my thoughts, because I am sure many of us felt the same way. As we continue to live a world threatened by the COVID pandemic and steadily increasing deaths still, there is no denying that it is a scary and terrifying time, one that none of us experienced before. Masks, sanitizers and social distancing are the new normal now. Visiting friends or date nights are a strict no no. So far, this is what my life has been in this pandemic year. These are difficult days. I am trying to combat this, one day at a time. I am trying to convince myself that it is probably okay to not be one hundred percent productive. That it is still okay to feel overwhelmed. It is perhaps okay to just sit down on the deck chair and spend three hours with my husband and our dog, cherish and count my blessings. It is okay to believe that I will still be good at my job even though I have not managed to learn how to code or read all my bookmarked research articles during the lockdown. And it is okay to believe that I am doing the best I can now. Finally, Christmas and New Year are almost here! We have survived the pandemic together. I am sure with the vaccine roll out, things will start to get better soon!