Baba,

I barely ever have time to write these days. But I had hoped to do so today. It is hard to think that you have been gone for two years already. It still feels like yesterday, yet I’m not sure if a lifetime has already passed. Before it was a day ago… a week ago…. a month ago… one year ago.. Today, it is two years ago. Soon it will be five years, ten years. Grief is hard. It is so fucking hard. And yet, life goes on. You see, the hardest part for me is thinking about the pain, fear and loneliness you felt at the ICU during your final days. And that you did not get to see your family before you left us. On days, it jabs me hard with a pain so sharp.

In my dreams, I occasionally see you. Never before have I told anyone about this. But sometimes, especially when I’m grieving greatly for you, you come to me in my dreams. Some say our dreams are wish fulfilment. While others say bad dreams are the mind’s way of smoothing over a past trauma through repeated exposure to it. Is it the reason you only appear in my dreams to show me your last few hours and I am holding your hand through it? Is it because it will remain my greatest regret not being able to be there with you when you needed us the most?

I visited Ma last year. For the first time in my life you were not there when I entered our home. It was the first time Ma and I met since you died. It felt so strange to see Ma doing groceries to feed me. I grew up seeing you do the groceries everyday at 7am in the morning, running to the neighborhood farmers before the freshest vegetables ran out. The morning cup of tea in our verandah- without you asking for more cookies, baba, it wasn’t the same. You should have accompanied Ma to the airport to see me and say goodbye, but you left us so early. I am trying to take care of Ma as best as I can. But she can be very stubborn at times. She now has been diagnosed with high cholesterol. And I am constantly worrying about her. But the great news is, she can now video call, take pictures on the phone and send them to me.

What has happened in our lives since you passed? We have been greened. We moved to Boston towards the end of last year and now work in biotech/Pharma companies. Waffle is growing older with us. As I am writing this, she is bringing me toys to play with her. Now that I am growing older, I realize I am so much like you baba. You have left so much of yourself in me. I perhaps got the love for dogs from you. How I wished you could visit me here and get to meet Waffle!

Baba, as I thought of you today, I became aware that the painful images of how ill and weak you were in your final days was gradually receding. Although I will always hold the loneliness, anguish, and pain you experienced in your last few days in my heart, I now possess the fortitude to replace those memories with ones of our joyful times together. Ones that, seemed trivial at that time, but are priceless now.

I love you so much. Ma and I miss you everyday. I pray that wherever you are, you are at peace. I know you are looking out and can see us all. And that you will always be with me in spirits as I walk the miles I have yet to cover without you by my side.

Until we meet again baba…